Fitba

I played football tonight. Strictly speaking, I played a private game of 'stop ball go in net', otherwise known as goal. Or just nets. That's about as far as my ability to blend in goes. If I was Jason Bourne I wouldn't be able to get a taxi, let alone cross international borders, such is my ability to pass as one of the crowd. I'm basically a bad man. Not evil or cruel to animals; just 'bad' like Kraft cheese slices are a poor example of dairy produce.

I don't understand football. I don't care about it. I constantly query references to footballers in the articles I edit - will people understand this? What is a Drogba exactly? But I do understand one thing: this puts me at a serious disadvantage. I'm uncomfortable around people I haven't know for at least a couple of years. I struggle at small talk and falter generally in most social situations. Something that would be instantly remedied fifty percent of the time if I could pull football out of the hat like a magic conversation rabbit. I often wonder just how different things would be if I could join in with that stuff? Ultimately, however, that's never going to happen and instead, I'm doomed to stare politely into space at the pub. Maybe I'll bring a book next time.